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Hi, I'm Ivory a.k.a. paper_glare. I joined the community today and I… - Teal'c Drabbles

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June 22nd, 2006


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paper_glare
12:24 am

Hi, I'm Ivory a.k.a. paper_glare. I joined the community today and I come bearing gifts!

Title: The Tau'ri and The Jaffa
Rating: G
Character: Teal'c, Bra'tac, Jack, Daniel (implied).
Disclaimer: Not mine. Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. Not intended to infringe upon these rights. No money exchanged hands.
Fandom: Stargate Sg-1
Word Count: 100

Having spent so much time with the Tau'ri, their nuances had worn away as almost normal. Now that he saw them with his old eyes again, held up in comparison with the stern Jaffa surrounding them, he remembered just how strange they were. How they must appear to his people.
"Did not!"
"Did so!"
"Did so? Who says did so?"
"I do, because you did."
"Did not."
"Did TOO!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Humans, cease!" Bra'tac barks sharply.
"Not." O'Neill mutters defiantly.
Bra'tac exchanges a glance with Teal'c, conveying his sympathies and apologies with his heavy gaze. Teal'c just laughs. 

The End.




Paths Unchosen
Author: paper_glare
Fandom: Stargate Sg-1
Rating: PG-ish
Warnings: AU Character death, tiny spoiler for 'Point of View'.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. Not intended to infringe upon these rights. No money exchanged hands.
Summary: I was just thinking of alternate universes. Stuff like boy-carter, and girl-o'neill's, Daniel's who didn't open the gate, or universes where humans didn't evolve. Then this plot bunny attacked.

He knows them, the ones who came through the mirror, but he isn't sure how. He's seen thousands of faces in his life. The woman talks about alternate realities and forks on the road until Teal'c tunes her out. The grey-haired leader glances up at him, his dark eyes glowing in the fire-light. Teal'c grasps the memory.

Apophis and and Amounet stand at the head of the stairs, and Apophis pauses, glancing over the prisoners. Then Apophis commands, "Kill the rest."

At his words, complete pandemonium sounds among the prisoners. Screaming, people run for inexistent cover. Five of the Serpent Guards advance. Three people do not run. The ones with the strange clothings and accent. A blonde woman, the man that drew of the Tau'ri homeworld, and seemed to know Ammounet's host. Another man who seems to command the others watches Teal'c steadily.

Ammounet takes Apophis hand as he leads her into the liter, curtains swishing behind them. The serpent guards advance, Teal'c turns to rejoin the line as the doors slam shut. The prisoners huddle in the corners of the dungeon. The Serpent Guards activate their staff weapons. Teal'c approaches the stone steps, reminding himself to keep his expression closed and cold.

The man shouts, presumably at Teal'c, "I can save these people!"

Teal'c turns, activating his staff weapon and directing it at the man.

"Help me!" he demands. "Help me," he asks, quieter this time.

Teal'c kills him.

The memory fades and Teal'c swallows against the bile rising in his throat. He watches the other Teal'c across the fire, the one who is smiling as he dangles a packet out of the female's reach, steadying her as she lunges for it, laughing. The one who speaks of a free Jaffa nation, of a married son, of a dead false god. 

The End.


I've been writing for less than a week now, so I'm very open to constructive criticism. I'm just trying to find my writing style before I commit to some long chaptered story. So If I'm utter crap just boo me off now and I can go back to lurking in peace. :)


Current Location: Earth
Current Mood: anxious(a little)
Current Music: Firefly theme song... oh wait, commercial now.

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:redstarrobot
Date:June 22nd, 2006 06:58 am (UTC)
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The second one shows a lot of promise. Please keep at it, it does sound like you're finding a voice, and probably a very interesting one.

With regards to the first one, I'm gonna give the full concrit, which is long but hopefully will be good. :)

I actually think you're attempting something very hard in trying to use drabbles, versus less constrained short ficlets like the second one, to find a voice. To wax a little philosophical about it, drabbles are difficult because they involve trying to fit a lot into a very small and strict word count, and also because those constraints tempt the writer into using the most direct way to say something. That last seems like it's a good thing, but it's got two drawbacks: a) the "show, don't tell" problem, and b) that writers always like to use more words than they need to, and don't always know what's extraneous. (One of the great parts in doing drabbles, I've found, is the way it forces you to look at what you don't need to say and how to make every word count.)

At first, I thought your drabble had a show-don't-tell problem, and then I realized it didn't. (Well, a very tiny one in describing Bra'tac's glance, but it's not a big one, and it's the sort that everyone makes now and again, so don't sweat it.) It's the second problem - that you actually don't need all those words to say what you're saying. The first paragraph essentially says everything the later stuff also says. Now, if you're feeling particularly terse, that means that the stuff after the first paragraph isn't needed. If you're not feeling that terse (and there's really no reason to, because it's a little abrupt, and would need a little more imagery to support it anyway, which is what the rest is essentially doing), it just means you put the conclusion before the lead-in.

For instance:

"Did not!"
"Did so!"
"Did so? Who says did so?"
"Humans, cease!" Bra'tac barked sharply.
Having spent so much time with the Tau'ri, their nuances had worn away to almost normal. Now that Teal'c saw them with his old eyes again, held up in comparison with the stern Jaffa surrounding them, he remembered just how strange they were.


58 words, giving you 42 more words to use to add another idea in. (Changes in red, the first to fix the tense change, the secondfor grammar, and the third because I needed to replace the mention of his name that I edited out.) The value of a drabble is that it forces you to concentrate on the value of each word. As an example, let's pretend your word limit is 55, so we're three over. The immediate removal is the "almost". Still two over. So we'll take out the "again", because it's implied, and we'll change the "held up" to a "viewed", because, well, it's a word shorter and means the same. So we're at goal. Only now, for instance, we think that it'd improve the conveyance of incredulous bickering to the reader in the third line to add "on earth" between "who" and "says", so we need to find two more words to go. So we change the "Having spent" to "After". I might be tempted to change "worn away" to "become", because it fits the grammar and word choices more smoothly, but it's also less evocative, so I won't. But something is sticking out - the "viewed" is redundant after the bit about seeing with his old eyes, so away it goes.

And we now have this:

"Did not!"
"Did so!"
"Did so? Who on earth says 'did so'?"
"Humans, cease!" Bra'tac barked sharply.
After so much time with the Tau'ri, their nuances had worn away to normal. Now that Teal'c saw them with his old eyes, in comparison with the stern Jaffa surrounding them, he remembered just how strange they were.


So that's what drabbles try to teach, how to cut and slash everything excess to make it very tight and squeeze all the meaning you can out of a very few words, and that's why they're a really hard way to find a voice - they involve deliberately pushing the limits of your style. (I still recommend writing them, though, they're really good for developing skills.)
[User Picture]
From:paper_glare
Date:June 22nd, 2006 07:23 am (UTC)
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Thank you so much! This is more than I was hoping for! You have just made me so happy, I was really hoping for something like this. Sorry, I'm just really estatic right now. I didn't think anyone would actually bother with such clear, instructive, helpful pointers. *geeks out*
[User Picture]
From:redstarrobot
Date:June 22nd, 2006 07:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
Every once in a while, I get a helpful mood. :)
[User Picture]
From:lovellama
Date:June 22nd, 2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
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Well, you've gotten very good advice above, but I wanted to mention this line: "Help me!" He demands, "Help me," he asks again, quieter this time.

You've got the first 'Help me' standing on its own, then the second one modified by both 'He demands' and 'he asks again, quieter this time'. The 'He demands' should be "attached" to the first 'Help me', in this manner:

'Help me!' he demands. 'Help me,' he asks again, quieter this time.

making the first 'he' lower case and with a period after 'demands'. :)
[User Picture]
From:paper_glare
Date:June 22nd, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yeah... you're right. Thank you!

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